So I’m reading this new book, which by the way I highly recommend. It’s called “Hold Me Tight” by psychologist Sue Johnson, and it has given me a lot to reflect upon. It seems like we’ve all got it wrong, we are taught that attachment is bad and that we should not be codependent in a relationship, that we should not need the other person and that it is all about being independent. Well, to all of you ” independent”, I do not need anyone types out there ( which I have to stay I used to be like that once) this might come as a shock: It is actually good to be dependent in a relationship. Now don’t get me wrong, I am talking about a healthy and secure emotional bond. We need to understand that love is a primary need, it is something we need for survival. Sue Johnson states ” Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a primary need, like oxygen or water. Once we understand and accept this, we can more easily get to the heart of relationship problems.” Now, why do we fight this and don’t accept it? Because we are afraid, we are afraid of placing all our safety in another persons hands. It is risky, and we all seek self protection, so we don’t want to believe that love is going to save us. But maybe that is because we have not experienced a secure emotional attachment/bond.
Which brings me to my other point, when someone tells us ” You’re acting like a child”, it is generally an insult ,isn’t it? That is how we have been taught to look at things, acting like a child is bad or immature, and maybe to a sense it is, but depending on the context and situation. Acting like a child is not always bad, we all have a child inside us, which we should learn to embrace. When we fight in relationships it really does not matter what we are fighting about, we must look past the surface and realize that all we are is crying for help or attention. When we feel emotionally disconnected from our partner it is extremely hurtful, and we feel abandoned and lost. Deep down we all want to be loved and accepted. We all need to hear ” I’m there for you”.
That is what we all want, very much like a child. A child needs love and tender care, a child needs to be accepted. Why is it so easy for us to show love to children or to cute things like puppies? Yet , when it comes to adults it becomes difficult. We can’t show our love as easily, maybe because we feel threatened or intimidated. There is nothing more pure or innocent in this world than a child, and then we grow up and we loose that innocence. Sue Johnson states in her book that an emotional bond between a loving couple is very much like the bond between a parent and a child, but much more complex of course. And that is what I want to leave with all of you, that we should try to embrace more our inner child. We should not see this as being weak. It is okay to be vulnerable with our partner, if both partners are vulnerable then that safe connection can finally be reached. It makes me sad that we complicate our lives, we all deserve to be loved and to experience love in its deepest form. Now, if we just allow ourselves to be open to these ideas, that is the key.